Birthday Pole Dancing
Happy Birthday to ME! Today marks the 25th anniversary of my glorious birth. Turning a quarter of a century old requires celebration. How do I celebrate? By practicing my pole dancing moves, of course.
I heard of pole dancing for exercise a few years ago. Naturally, I had to jump on the bandwagon try it out.
Our class started by learning a simple swing around the pole, one foot on the floor the entire time. Nice, safe and easy. That ended quickly. We progressed to spins with both feet off the ground, limbs wrapped desperately sexily around the pole. Four turns in, my shoulders started burning. Apparently my pull-up exercises did not prepare me for work with a vertical bar.
Pole dancing requires upper-body strength. And a high pain tolerance. Two things I do not possess. My shoulders throbbed, my hands cramped, my thighs rubbed raw. Only 15 minutes had passed. But I looked sexy, damnit. That’s what I told myself, anyway. There were no mirrors in the room to disprove my mantra.
And then we tried “The Inversion.” That’s right, the move where your feet flip over your head and you fall terrified slide sensually to the floor. I got my feet over my head. Then I got stuck. Literally. The sweaty skin of my arms and legs clung to the pole, preventing me from sliding sexily or otherwise. I’m still not sure exactly what happened, but I eventually ended up on the floor with an aching shoulder made a graceful dismount.
The next day, my entire body hurt. Sore shoulders and pecs, bruised arms and thighs, aching ribs. The insides of my knees hurt. I don’t even know how that happened! I obviously don’t possess the skills needed to pole dance. Guess it’s time to find a new back-up career path.
Ever heard of or tried pole dancing for exercise? Want to send me expensive and lavish gifts for my birthday? Wonder if I will ever stop inventing new and creative ways to torture myself improve my fitness?