Women and Boners—I mean, bones…

Did you know that half of women over 50 will break a bone because of osteoporosis?

That’s scary! My mom is over 50 doesn’t look a day over 30.

So why am I embarrassing my mother on the Internet? Because it is Women’s Health Month and National Osteoporosis Awareness and Prevention Month. Seemed like a fitting way to celebrate.

Normal bones look like this:

Osteoporotic bones look like this:

Osteoporotic, ooo big word!

Osteopor-whatsits?

According to the National Osteoporosis Foundation, osteoporosis means “porous bone.”

For obvious reasons, osteoporotic bones are weaker and more prone to breakage. People with osteoporosis are most likely to break their hip, spine, or wrist. But who needs those bones, anyway.

Why Women?

80% of people with osteoporosis are women. I call that sexist.

Women usually have smaller, thinner bones than men. Also, estrogen protects bones in women. Around menopause, estrogen levels severely drop, and chances of developing osteoporosis rocket. Yet another reason to loathe look forward to that excruciating exciting life event.

Nutrition

Build bone density through ingesting calcium and vitamin D.

99% of calcium in the body is stored in bones and teeth, but our bodies do not produce any by itself. Lazy bodies. On top of that, we literally ooze calcium from every orifice: skin, nails, hair, sweat, urine, and feces. Yum! Low-fat dairy products and green vegetables like kale, collard greens, broccoli, okra, and dandelion greens supply calcium in our diets. So next time you crave calcium, wander into your yard and yank up a dandelion salad.

Sunlight provides the greatest source of vitamin D, the substance vital to absorbing calcium. Our bodies actually produce the vitamin directly from ultra-violet light. At least those skin-cancer spotted tanned beach babes won’t get osteoporosis if they drank skim milk. Some foods contain small amounts of vitamin D, and many dairy products are fortified with it.

Exercise

Turns out, bones are a living tissue. Like muscle, they grow denser and stronger when worked. Who knew? Seriously, who knew this? For bones, working means absorbing impact. Exercises which toughen bones fall into two categories: weight bearing and muscle-strengthening.

Weight bearing exercises move against gravity while remaining upright. For us dummies intellectually challenged individuals, this includes dancing, hiking, climbing stairs, ellipticalling, walking, general upright flailing jogging, and similar activities.

Muscle-strengthening or resistance exercises suck move body weight or other resistance against gravity. They include lifting weights, resistance bands, weight machines, profuse whining from Kiya, and body weight exercises like push-ups or lunges.

Now I’m off to lower my risk for osteoporosis: a horrible pleasant, weight-bearing jog in the sunlight, followed by collapsing on the front lawn and gnawing on some weeds. You know, for the calcium.

What is your favorite osteoporosis-preventing activity? Surfing the internet? Inhaling cheese like it’s going out of style? Have thoughts on any other subject like the fact that I’ve been invited to guest blog on theindiechicks.com?!

Source: National Osteoporosis Foundation

Photo credit: NOF

Seaweed Snacks: Nature’s Tissue Paper

Last week I wandered ravenously innocently through the grocery store, when my eyes lighted on this little gem:

I thought to myself, “self, you don’t have anything to blog about next week expand your culinary horizons and sample this exotic quinine.” I had no idea what to expect. I had never even seen food made of seaweed, much less eaten any.

I took the weird new food home and examined the entire package before opening it.

Serving Size 10 Sheets. Sheets? What kind of food is measured in sheets?!

30 Calories per serving. That makes 3 calories per sheet, and 60 calories in the entire package. That means even if I shove the entire package down my throat overindulge, I can’t feel guilty!

Ingredients: Seaweed, canola oil, sesame oil, salt. Only 4 ingredients, and I know what all those things are.

Go ahead. Indulge. Your friends will have culture envy. Just what I’ve never given a crap about always wanted. Why am I sitting around reading the package when I could be stuffing my face and making my friends jealous of my worldly Target purchase?

I ripped open the package and discovered that I had bought a pack of tiny, green, shiny, tissue paper pieces. I stared at them, obtained photographic evidence, accidently dropped half of them on the floor, worked up courage to try one, and stared some more.

tissue paper… yummmm

They smelled faintly of the ocean. I placed one of the sheets on my tongue and it melted, tasting like salt and seaweed. Since I’ve never eaten seaweed before, I’m entirely guessing the second flavor. The sheets made a crinkling sound as I pushed them into my mouth, giving me the distinct impression I was, indeed, ingesting tissue paper.

The picky knows-what-he-likes husband refused to even try them, based solely on their green, papery appearance.

Overall, the “seaweed snacks” tasted bland. Not exciting enough to warrant a second purchase. I also do not recommend eating these snacks before exercising, unless you enjoy seaweed-flavored belches.

Also in package: not for eating!
(darn)

Have you ever eaten something made from/with seaweed? What did you think? Any other unusual dishes I should try out?

Weekend Warrior

FIRE!
sebastien.barre via Flickr

This post was supposed to feature a thrilling photo montage depicting my husband and I conquering the Warrior Dash. The dash was concocted when some masochist  smart-ass person decided that just running a race was too stinkin’ easy. So they added obstacles. Like tires and cargo nets and venomous snake pits mud pits with barbed wire and FIRE! I hear the fire’s only three inches tall, but it’s still FIRE!

However, notice the phrase “supposed to.” We made lovely plans to stagger painfully jog a 5k sprinkled with getting tetanus scaling wreaked cars and tumbling off twirling along tightropes, when forecasted “hail” and “high damaging winds” made some wussy Warrior Dash employee worried about “safety.” Our wave, originally scheduled for 1pm, moved to 10am. Per Murphy’s Law, I already taught Zumba at 10. Adios, Warrior Dash. Hello, cash refund.

Even considering the insanity of the obstacles and my lack of training—I don’t think avoiding running for two months and hardly ever completing half-ass pull-up exercises counts as training—I still felt disappointed we couldn’t run.

Could have been me
I Run Flint via Flickr

Guess we will have to wait until next year. Or maybe a different race on steroids for psychotic masochists fitness enthusiasts will come to Kansas City soon. (Laughs maniacally.)

What do you think of this new type of race? Ever tried one or know someone who has? Know of one coming to KC this summer?

International Bust a Move Day

Break it down, sister!
merlinprincesse via Flickr

Perhaps you live under a rock don’t follow my blog religiously (shame on you) and fail to realize how much I love to bust a move, cut a rug, shake my groove thang, get jiggy with it and otherwise thrash around in a pseudo-rhythmic fashion. Perhaps you missed my posts about my obsession with Zumba, treadmill dancing, or my pole dancing career. Perhaps you are a horrible human being should check out more of my blog.

Regardless of your working knowledge of my dance obsession, today marks the 30^th annual International Dance Day. Some uppity people in France The International Dance Committee chose the birthday of Georges Noverre, the conveniently French creator of modern ballet to celebrate the delightful day. They rejoice in the art of dance through speeches, performances, and movie excerpts featuring prestigious dancers and choreographers from around the globe. I celebrate by cranking up the Latin tunes and jiggling anything not strapped down teaching Zumba and watching countless dance videos on youtube researching contemporary choreography.

Dance in all forms—ballet, club, tap, break dance, salsa or just bouncing around the house in your skivvies—provides several health benefits. Reduced stress, increased serotonin, improved cardiovascular health, greater coordination, enhanced sexual performance, strengthened mind-body connection, and increased self-esteem make a brief list.

Today I challenge you (especially you unfortunate non-dancers) to dance at least once before the sun sets. Break it down in the car on the way to work, hit the floor at the club, jam out to the radio while you clean, or try out ballroom dancing lessons. Let your inner ballerina or tribal dancer free!

In the words of Sidi Larbi Cherkaoui, “In 2012, I wish everyone lots of dance. Not to forget all their problems of 2011, but [. . . ] to engage with life as part of its never-ending choreography.”

Do you dance? How? Where? Afraid to unleash your inner dancer on the world? Why?

Birthday Pole Dancing

Yes, I HAD to wear my gold bootie shorts

Happy Birthday to ME! Today marks the 25^th anniversary of my glorious birth. Turning a quarter of a century old requires celebration. How do I celebrate? By practicing my pole dancing moves, of course.

I heard of pole dancing for exercise a few years ago. Naturally, I had to jump on the bandwagon try it out.

Our class started by learning a simple swing around the pole, one foot on the floor the entire time. Nice, safe and easy. That ended quickly. We progressed to spins with both feet off the ground, limbs wrapped desperately sexily around the pole. Four turns in, my shoulders started burning. Apparently my pull-up exercises did not prepare me for work with a vertical bar.

Pole dancing requires upper-body strength. And a high pain tolerance. Two things I do not possess. My shoulders throbbed, my hands cramped, my thighs rubbed raw. Only 15 minutes had passed. But I looked sexy, damnit. That’s what I told myself, anyway. There were no mirrors in the room to disprove my mantra.

“The Martini” Spin

And then we tried “The Inversion.” That’s right, the move where your feet flip over your head and you fall terrified slide sensually to the floor. I got my feet over my head. Then I got stuck. Literally. The sweaty skin of my arms and legs clung to the pole, preventing me from sliding sexily or otherwise. I’m still not sure exactly what happened, but I eventually ended up on the floor with an aching shoulder made a graceful dismount.

The next day, my entire body hurt. Sore shoulders and pecs, bruised arms and thighs, aching ribs. The insides of my knees hurt. I don’t even know how that happened! I obviously don’t possess the skills needed to pole dance. Guess it’s time to find a new back-up career path.

Ever heard of or tried pole dancing for exercise? Want to send me expensive and lavish gifts for my birthday? Wonder if I will ever stop inventing new and creative ways to torture myself improve my fitness?

Smoothie Criminal

Mad Photoshop skillz. You're jealous.

Smoothies: the ultimate lazy health food. Throw it in a blender and push a button. Doesn’t get much easier than that!

My go-to smoothie recipe:

• 1 cup vanilla yogurt
• 1 banana
• 2 fruits of your choice
• Ice

You can stay boring safe by choosing another banana and strawberries or go crazy and exotic with mango and papaya. (Look, I live in Kansas. Mango and papaya are exotic here. Give me a break.) Try different types of berries: raspberry, strawberry, blueberry, blackberry, boysenberry, gooseberry. Ok, so I’ve never tried those last two, but you get the idea. You’re limited only by the local grocery store your imagination.

Side note: as a smoothie veteran and ultimate lazy experimental cook, I discovered that cutting the tops off strawberries is a waste of time optional. As long as you don’t mind little green flecks in your smoothie. It adds fiber. That’s what I told my husband, anyway.

Smoothies also solve the overripe fruit dilemma. Ever overestimate how much fruit you can stomach you love fruit? At the end of the week, I always end up with soft bananas and squishy berries. Throw them away? Never! This tight-wad frugal cook throws them in a smoothie! Nothing squishy left after the blender’s whirling blades of death decimate your produce.

Have a smoothie addiction like me? Green flecks of strawberry tops in your smoothie freak you out? Jealous of my Photoshop skillz? Because I know you are.

Original photo credits: CiuPix and .Kai

Pull-ups: The Masochism Continues

Remember that post about torturing myself with C25K? Apparently I’ve recovered enough from the trauma to assign myself a new impossible and painful inspiring and motivating goal: unassisted pull-ups. Never mind my scrawny dancer arms or the fact that I only recently completed my first push-up on my toes. I’m getting concerned that some insane little part of my brain enjoys pain.

So where does a tiny wimp muscularly challenged individual who can’t complete a single pull-up start?

Lat pull down machine

Photo credit: Feather Magazine

This machine works the same muscles used for pull-ups, mainly the latissimus dorsi or middle back. Add weight to the machine over time, building up your muscles.

 

Assisted pull-ups

If you exercise at a gym with fancy torture devices equipment, you could use one of these:

Photo credit: type a mommy

This crazy machine uses adjustable counter weight to lessen the amount of fatness body weight lifted during a pull up.

If you don’t have access to elaborate contraptions, assist your pull-ups in other ways. Put your legs on a chair to reduce body weight lifted, loop exercise bands around the bar and your ankles, or ask a sadist to hold your feet and laugh as you struggle to hoist your chin above the bar have a friend grab your ankles.

Negatives on a pull-up bar

Jump up and start with your chin above the bar. Slowing and excruciatingly lower yourself down to the bottom. Repeat until you fall to the floor in exhaustion.

Partial pull-ups

Practice only the top or bottom half of the pull-up instead of the entire thing. For example, starting at the top, only lower part of the way down and back up. Work on lowering a little further each time. I can do the top half of a pull-up. Sometimes. If I kick. Impressive, right?

Check back in a month or three soon for my celebratory first pull-up post! With all these exercises, I should be a pull-up pro in no time, right?

Can you complete unassisted pull-ups? How did you build up to them? Not interested in pull-ups and consider me slightly unstable for attempting them? Me too.

Illness and Exercise: the Dilemma

Maybe these will help?

With the crazy Kansas weather swinging from snowing to 70 degrees to frost on car windows in the span of a long weekend, seems like everyone I know is battling some sort of sickness. How does a sniffley gym-mouse know when to suck it up and when to call it quits?

Above the Neck

Only have a headache, stuffy nose and sneezing? If symptoms appear “above the neck,” there’s no reason to stop exercising, damnitall. Moderate exercise many unfortunately relieve mild symptoms and give the immune system a slight boost to help fight off minor illnesses. Notice:  moderate, mild, and minor. If exercise makes symptoms worse, back off.

Below the Neck

Chest congestion, painful coughing, fever, body aches or fatigue? You’re in luck! No exercise for you! Take the day (or a few days) off. Rest and unrestrained couch surfing recovery represent vital aspects of a healthy fitness routine. Maybe your body desperately craves rest. My annoying body does this on a semi-regular basis, most recently, the better part of last week. “You won’t rest? I’ll make you so sick, you’re forced to rest!” Thanks body, appreciate it.

Protein Cannibalism Catabolism

Ever wondered why your muscles ache when you’re ill? Oh, the useless interesting things you learn while “researching.”

Normally the body derives most of its energy from fat and glucose (stored carbohydrates). However, when we get feverish, it starts breaking down muscle protein to help fuel the fight against infection. The amount of protein loss, or muscle catabolism, directly relates to how high and long the fever is maintained. No wonder muscles feel sore when you’re sick, your body literally eats away at them.

Dealt with sickness and exercise this winter? Have any illness-related workout policies? Ditch the gym at the first sniffle? Refuse to abandon the gym despite that pesky stomach virus?

Sources:

• “Exercise and the Common Cold.” WebMD. 25 Sept 2009. WebMD, LLC. 9 March 2012.
• Harrison, A. Marc, MD. “Scare Tactics to Prevent you From Exercising While Sick.” Active.com. 2011. Active Network, Inc. 9 March 2011.
• Laskowski, Edward R., MD. “Exercise and illness: Work out with a cold?” Mayo Clinic. 18 June 2011. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. 9 March 2012.

Photo credit: Jaysun via Flickr

In case any of you labored under false impressions, I am not a doctor. This post compiles my personal experience and education, as well as some research from the all-knowing interwebs. It should never replace the advice of people who actually know what they’re talking about trained, licensed doctors or professionals.

Zealous Zumba

Zumba Zombies! Chomp brains without missing a beat!

Those unfortunate enough to know me in real life realize I have an obsession. I have fallen in love with Zumba® (Like that little ®? I’m required to use it the first time I use the word Zumba on a web page. Wouldn’t want to lose my pitiful beautiful paper Zumba license over a silly ®.) I currently teach 4 classes each week, possibly 6+ in the near future. I like Zumba. It’s possibly moved to addiction status.

Mostly, I enjoy Zumba because desperate flailing movement isn’t limited to only forward and backward actions like when running, biking, or ellipticalling. Limbs can flail wild and unrestrained in any direction, and if I like one thing, it’s wildly flailing limbs. Not to mention the booty and boobie shaking. A proper Zumba class includes inordinate amounts of jiggling. Sounds like my kind of party Zumba class.

For those unfamiliar with Zumba who have persevered this far and weren’t scared away by the jiggling and flailing, Zumba fitness is a cardio workout that incorporates part Latin dance, part club gyration,  and part cult followingcombined into a sneaky workout. At the beginning of class, the teacher cranks up the stereo, and the out-of-control thrashing and wiggling commences. An hour later, a group of people resembling half-drowned cats emerges from the room,grinning uncontrollably. On a good night, when the class dances mostly the same move at almost the same time, we look like Zumba zombies sexy background dancers in a Beyoncé video.

Caution: Attending Zumba class may teach you how to move your hips, grove to the music, and feel exceedingly sexy. Talk to your doctor to see if Zumba is right for you.

Ever attended a Zumba class? Thought about it? Heard of it? Thoughts about gyrating booties and/or boobie shaking?

(Image credit: Cimm)

Lazy Pizza

I don’t cook. In the evenings as my husband drives home from work, he whispers a little prayer that his worthless wonderful wife has thrown something resembling food in the oven. Poor man. He didn’t pick me for my cooking.  Or my cleaning. Not really sure what his angle was…

Anyway! I dislike recipes with more than 10 ingredients. Actually, the closer the number of ingredients to zero, the better. Same with prep and cook time. So imagine my incredible joy when I discovered flatbread pizzas, little personal-sized pizzas that take 5 minutes to make, 15 minutes to bake, and only as many toppings as you feel like using.

Most difficult and time consuming: finding flatbread at the grocery store. This step took approximately three weeks, due to my lazy and procrastinating tendencies single-minded focus on my goals. I finally found it on accident, as I stood drooling over the various delicious-smelling breads in the bakery. As I reached down to wipe away some lustful slobber test the integrity of a loaf, I noticed a package of flatbread nearby.

Back in my kitchen, I set the oven to 450. A lower temperature might work, but that requires longer cooking time. Unacceptable! As a haphazard forward-thinking cook, I grab some ingredients that don’t sound hideous together carefully select toppings that complement and enhance one another. I end up with tomato sauce, shredded cheese, green onions and mushrooms.

This masterpiece takes only 15 minutes in the oven, so precook any meat. Notice I used no meat, eliminating a time-consuming step. Genius.

Delicious! Gorgeous! The most amazing 20-minute meal I’ve ever created!

Ever made personal-sized pizzas before? Sounds amazingly delightful? Disgusting? Suggestions for toppings? Suggest something crazy enough, (and I remember to buy the ingredients) I just might try it out and post about it. *hint?*